Written by Samantha Carter
Family estrangement is a complex and deeply painful experience that affects many individuals and families across the world. Whether it’s a gradual drift or a sudden rupture, the reasons for estrangement are often rooted in long-standing issues that can lead to a permanent or temporary break in relationships.
The grief that accompanies such a separation can be overwhelming, as it involves not only the loss of a relationship but also the loss of hopes, dreams, and shared history. However, understanding the reasons behind family estrangement can help provide insight into this difficult phenomenon. In this article, we’ll be exploring 17 reasons why family estrangement occurs, as well as different tools and tips to cope with grief and loss in a healthy way.
Reason #1: Abuse and Trauma
One of the most common reasons for family estrangement is abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual. When a family member inflicts harm, it can lead to an irreparable breach of trust. Those who have suffered abuse may find it necessary to cut ties in order to protect their mental and emotional well-being. It’s important to understand that trauma can make reconciliation difficult, if not impossible.
Reason #2: Toxic Relationships
Toxic family dynamics can create an environment of constant stress, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion. When a relationship becomes more harmful than nurturing, some individuals choose to distance themselves to preserve their own well-being. While often necessary, this decision can still lead to feelings of guilt and grief.
Reason #3: Divorce and Separation
Divorce not only affects the couple involved but it can also strain relationships amongst extended family members. Loyalties may become divided, leading to estrangement with in-laws or even between parents and children. The changes in a family structure can create rifts that are difficult to mend, especially if communication breaks down between the involved parties.
Reason #4: Differing Values and Beliefs
As individuals grow and develop their own identities, they may find that their values, beliefs, or lifestyles differ significantly from those of their family members. Whether it’s religious beliefs, political views, or lifestyle choices, these differences can create tension and misunderstanding, sometimes leading to estrangement.
Reason #5: Mental Health Issues
Mental health challenges can strain family relationships, particularly if they are not properly understood or managed. A lack of empathy, support, or understanding from family members can exacerbate mental health issues, leading to feelings of isolation and, eventually, estrangement.
Reason #6: Substance Abuse
Substance abuse can lead to destructive behavior that can strain or destroy family relationships. Trust is often shattered by the actions of a family member struggling with addiction, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and eventual estrangement. Recovery from addiction may not always lead to reconciliation, as the pain caused can be deep and lasting for those involved.
Reason #7: Financial Disputes
Money is often a source of tension within families, whether due to inheritance disputes, lending and borrowing issues, or differing attitudes towards spending. Financial disagreements can escalate into long-lasting resentment, leading to estrangement between family members.
Reason #8: Parental Alienation
Parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent, often during or after a divorce. This form of psychological manipulation can create a rift between the child and the alienated parent, leading to long-term or permanent estrangement.
Reason #9 for Family Estrangement: Unresolved Childhood Issues
Unresolved issues from childhood, such as sibling rivalry, favoritism, or unmet emotional needs, can carry into adulthood. These unresolved feelings can fester over time, leading to estrangement if they are not properly addressed or healed.
Reason #10: Cultural and Generational Differences
Cultural and generational differences can create misunderstandings and conflicts within a family. Older generations may struggle to understand the choices and lifestyles of younger family members, leading to judgment and disapproval. When these differences are not navigated with respect and open communication, they can lead to estrangement.
Reason #11: Incompatibility of Personalities
Sometimes, family members simply do not get along due to differences in personalities, clashes in temperament, different communication styles, or conflicting personal values. Over time, this can lead to estrangement. This type of estrangement can be particularly challenging to navigate as it may not stem from any specific event, but rather a gradual realization of incompatibility.
Reason #12: Grief and Loss
The loss of a loved one can bring families closer together, but it can also drive them apart. Grief can manifest in different ways, and when family members have conflicting ways of coping, it can lead to misunderstandings and estrangement. The pain of the loss, combined with the breakdown of family support, can deepen a person’s sense of isolation.
Reason #13: Marriage and In-Law Conflicts
Marriage can introduce new dynamics into a family, sometimes leading to conflicts with in-laws. Differences in expectations, boundaries, and cultural practices can cause tension between spouses and their extended families. If these conflicts are not resolved, they can lead to estrangement, either with in-laws or within the marital relationship itself.
Reason #14: Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy can be powerful forces that drive a wedge between family members. Whether it’s over career success, financial status, or perceived favoritism, these feelings can create resentment and bitterness. If left unaddressed, they can lead to a breakdown in relationships.
Reason #15: Lack of Communication
Poor communication is a significant factor in many cases of family estrangement. Misunderstandings, assumptions, and unexpressed feelings can build up over time, creating a wall between family members if left unresolved. Without open and honest communication, it becomes difficult to move past conflicts, which can sometimes lead to estrangement.
Reason #16: Control and Manipulation
Some family members may try to exert control over others or engage in manipulative behavior. This can create a toxic environment where autonomy and individuality are stifled. Those who feel controlled or manipulated may choose to distance themselves to regain their sense of self.
Reason #17: Betrayal
Betrayal, whether through infidelity, broken promises, or breaches of trust, can have a devastating impact on family relationships. The pain of betrayal can be so profound that it leads to estrangement as a means of self-protection. Rebuilding trust may be difficult, and in some cases, the relationship may never be repaired.
Coping with the Grief of Family Estrangement
The grief that accompanies family estrangement is a unique and often complicated experience. It is not only the loss of a relationship but also the loss of what could have been. This type of grief, sometimes referred to as “ambiguous loss,” can be challenging to navigate because the person you are grieving is still alive, yet the relationship is lost. Below are some ways that you can begin to cope with the grief of estrangement in healthier ways.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
The first step in coping with the grief of estrangement is to acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment because suppressing your feelings will only prolong the healing process.
Seek Support
You don’t have to go through the pain of family separation alone. Seek support from friends, support groups, or a therapist who can help you process your emotions. Talking about your experience with someone who understands can provide comfort and perspective.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s important to be gentle with yourself during difficult times. Avoid blaming yourself or feeling that you are responsible for the estrangement. Instead, practice self-compassion by acknowledging that you are doing your best under challenging circumstances.
Create Healthy Boundaries
If you have chosen to distance yourself from a family member, it’s crucial to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. This might mean limiting or cutting off contact, especially if the relationship is toxic or harmful. Boundaries are essential for protecting your mental and emotional well-being.
Focus on What You Can Control
Family estrangement often involves situations that are beyond your control. Therefore, it can be helpful to focus on what you can control, such as your reactions, your healing process, and how you choose to move forward. Letting go of what you cannot change can reduce feelings of helplessness.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Grieving the loss of a family relationship is a process that takes time. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. This might involve journaling, creating art, or engaging in rituals that help you process your loss.
Find New Sources of Support
Estrangement can leave a void in your life, especially if the relationship was once a significant source of support. Therefore, it’s important to seek out new sources of support, whether through friends, community groups, or other family members. Building new connections can help fill the gap left by the estranged relationship.
Embrace Acceptance
Acceptance is a key part of healing from family estrangement. This doesn’t mean that you condone what happened or that you no longer care about the estranged family member. Rather, it means you accept the reality of the situation and are learning to find peace with it.
Engage in Self-Care
Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health is crucial to support your overall well-being. Engage in self-care practices that nourish your body and soul, such as exercise, meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy.
Consider Reconciliation Carefully
If you are considering reconciliation, it’s important to approach it carefully. Reconciliation should only be pursued if it’s safe and healthy for you. It may require setting clear boundaries, having honest conversations, and seeking professional guidance to navigate the process.
Understand That Grief May Resurface
Grief from family estrangement may resurface at different times, especially during holidays, anniversaries, or other significant events. Be prepared for these moments and have strategies in place to cope, such as reaching out to a friend or engaging in a comforting activity.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Holding onto unrealistic expectations about the estranged relationship can prolong your grief. Let go of the idea about what the relationship “should” be and instead accept it for what it is. This can free you from the burden of unmet expectations.
Create New Traditions
If estrangement has disrupted family traditions, consider creating new ones. Whether it’s celebrating holidays in a different way or starting new rituals with friends, creating new traditions can help you move forward and find joy in the present.
Seek Closure
Closure can be elusive in cases of family estrangement, especially if the situation is unresolved. While you may not get closure from the other person, you can create your own sense of closure. This might involve writing a letter you don’t send, engaging in a symbolic act, or simply deciding to move on.
Professional Support Through Family Estrangement
Psychology Today found that about one in four people will experience family estrangement at some point in their life. However, that doesn’t mean that one in four people are always getting the support needed to navigate this difficult situation. If you or someone you know is dealing with the grief of family estrangement, it’s important to seek professional help to support your mental and emotional health.
Healing From Family Estrangement with Plus by APN
Here at Plus by APN, we work with a variety of therapists who provide services both in-person and online in multiple states. We take a holistic approach to mental wellness by working with providers who put your best interest first, guiding you to sustainable solutions to help combat the root causes of mental distress.
To learn more about Plus by APN’s therapy options, as well as other traditional and alternative mental health supports, reach out for a free consultation today. Alternatively, you can give us a call at 877.507.7675. Together, we can help you realize a brighter future where you’re no longer paralyzed by the overwhelming grief of family member estrangement and loss.
References
- Cleveland Clinic. “Mental Health Disorders: Types, Diagnosis & Treatment Options.” Cleveland Clinic, 2022, my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22295-mental-health-disorders.
- Duke, Michael. “How to Recognize If Your Childhood Trauma Is Affecting You as an Adult (& How to Heal).” Michigan ACE Initiative, 1 Oct. 2019, miace.org/2019/10/01/how-to-recognize-if-your-childhood-trauma-is-affecting-you-as-an-adult-how-to-heal/.
- Johns Hopkins Medicine. “Substance Abuse / Chemical Dependency.” John Hopkins Medicine, John Hopkins Medicine, www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/substance-abuse-chemical-dependency.
- Morin, Marie. “Estrangement – How Journaling Can Transform Your Heartache into Acceptance | Sixty and Me.” Sixty and Me, 17 Dec. 2022, sixtyandme.com/estrangement-journaling/. Accessed 29 Oct. 2024.
- Oswald, Rich. “Coping with Ambiguous Grief.” Mayo Clinic Health System, 10 Apr. 2023, www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/coping-with-ambiguous-grief.
- “Parental Alienation | Psychology Today.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/parental-alienation.
- “What Research Tells Us about Family Estrangement | Psychology Today.” Www.psychologytoday.com, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202402/statistics-that-tell-the-story-of-family-estrangement.